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JULY, 2002


July has been quite a month for me.  Life can be such an adventure, and I'm loving it!  A lot of things went on this month, both good and bad.  I still haven't "found" anyone that I'm in love with, but am not really expecting that much anyhow.  I am trying to figure out just what it is I am wanting, but at this point, I don't care much to know, just letting life take me where it will. 

I did something that I thought I wouldn't do.  I had a hook up!  Yes, little ole me.  Met this guy online, we had emailed back and forth for a couple of weeks, got along fairly well, then decided to meet for coffee one night.  We had coffee, then went to his place to watch some tv and talk.  One thing led to another (why do people always use that phrase), and we ended up having sex.  It was hot, and I loved it!  Not once did I feel guilty or like I was cheating on Les at all.  However, I have not heard from the guy since.  That is NOT what I want, I know that much.  Ok, so maybe sex without "love" is something I could handle, but I do at least want to have a friendship with anyone I'm intimate with and speak to them occasionally afterwards.  So it did leave me feeling a bit empty for the experience.

Les didn't handle my hook up too well.  I don't think it was so much that I did it, but that it happened so fast and that it was just a hook up, which he is very against.  Plus, he was having a bad night emotionally that night anyway.  He had a sort of breakdown that night and we ended up going to see a psychiatrist the next day.  In a lot of ways the breakdown was a good thing, because it got him to the point where he was finally able to ask for and seek help.  Now he is on medication that seems to be helping him somewhat.  Of course the next step for him will be to find treatment to supplement the medication.  I, of course, still love him and support him in this whole thing.  So he is getting a good deal of emotional support from me, or at least I hope he is getting as much as I feel I'm giving out.

The hook up was my sole sexual experience for the month of July.  And, I have been on this insane quest to not masturbate.  Why, you ask?  Good question.  Part of me wanted to see if it would help me to focus on other aspects of life.  That has not been the case.  If anything, sex has been more on my mind now than ever before.  With the exception of one time this week, I have not "pleasured myself" in nearly 2 months now, and for me, that is like a lifetime. 

I have met several guys that I'm interested in getting to know a lot better.  Of course, for me, it's all a matter of free time.  Between work, spending time with Les and a few close friends, there isn't much time to get to know new people.  Then again, that is probably an excuse I'm using to keep myself from opening up to others more and risking the possibility of intimacy with anyone else.  I am getting better at that though, and am committing to myself that I will make more time to get to know people this next month.  That is my goal:  to open myself up to meeting and getting close to more people and risking whatever it is I always fear I will lose.  We'll just have to see how that goes!

In the meantime, I still have work, the dogs, my houseplants, my books, and the new bonds I'm forming with my family now that I'm closer, to keep me occupied and keep from going absolutely crazy.



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Copyright 2002 by Qpidboy