THE POLY FILES:
Tales of a polyamorous gay male
The hardest part of this for me is deciding just where to begin. As a prerequisite to this tale, I would recommend reading OUR STORY. That should give you a bit of history as far as Les and I go.
When I wrote that story, Les and I were still living in the small town of Henderson, Texas. From there, we ended up living just outside of Longview, only like 40 miles north. We were desperately trying to get the hell out of the area, it was just not the place for us at all! So, in the summer of 2001, when my mother offered to help us move to Albuquerque, NM, we jumped on the opportunity!
Literally a week after moving here, we met a guy. Since this is so intimate and detailed, I'm not the type to drag people into things, so for sake of privacy, I'll call the guy "Mark". Met Mark online and decided to meet for dinner one night. The three of us sat up all night long talking, playing cards, and had a great time. The next night, we went to Mark's place to watch movies. That night, the three of us had sex. It wasn't anything planned so much as a "go with the moment" type of thing.
This was the first time Les and I had done anything like this. The first time either of us had been with anybody else since we got together. We had discussed, before, the idea of having a 3 way with someone, but that was usually under the influence of alcohol, and never much more than just a fantasy for both of us. We had even met people online who were in Triads and were very close minded about it, thinking it's not possible for three people to be in love and co-habitate. So, having sex with Mark was definitely what you would call a turning point in our relationship and our lives. We both realized very quickly that we were falling in love with Mark, and found out that he was doing the same with us.
Probably within the week, Mark was as good as living with us. Things seemed to be going really well. He still had most of his stuff at his place, but was with us ALL of the time. Then he decided that he needed space so moved back into his place. This went on for about a month before he finally officially moved in with us. Mark and I never really bonded on a one on one level. Part of that was due to the fact that my work schedule had he and Les alone together a lot and he and I never together. But looking back on things, I see other reasons, now more obvious to me. He played a lot of headgames with Les, and as ashamed of it as I am, I sat back and let things happen. I think the main reason was that I knew how much Les loved him and that despite the games, he was very happy with Mark in our lives, there were so many things that had changed about Les and I liked the new happier him.
So Mark was part of our lives and our relationship. The games continued. Many many times, Les would be in tears because Mark would get pissed at him over something miniscule and just stop talking to him, would even just get up and go to bed leaving Les wondering just what he had done wrong. This tore me up, because my Babie was hurting and there wasn't a damn thing I could do for him: what he needed at the time was Mark. Confronting Mark for the shit was not an option, as I was terrified of running him off and having Les upset with me for that.
Things continued in this manner for a total of 10 months. Don't get me wrong, there were many good times. A lot of bittersweet memories, I guess you could say. Even though Mark and I never did spend much time together, the times that the three of us had together were good overall. On the surface, things seemed really good. Then the bombshell hit! I innocently found an email that Mark had sent to a friend of his saying basically that he hated us and needed to get out. Instead of confronting him on it, I stewed over it for a long time (about a month). Then found another one he sent, this one telling the story of our relationship from his jaded and very untruthful point of view. Basically, he didn't see himself in a Triad, only wanted a 2 man relationship, and was feeling trapped. I really don't know how much of what he said (and has said to us) to believe, because now that we've had time apart, I have been able to piece tings together, and see SO many lies from him, from the start! He left last month to go visit his family, and I truly believe, despite him swearing otherwise to us to this day, that he left with no intention of coming back. We have had several arguments online since he left, and things are now officially over. Honestly, though, I do think it's best for ALL of us.
After Les and I believed things were over for good with Mark, we did a lot of talking. As a matter of fact, we have done more talking in the past month than in all of our relationship. We've always been very open and honest with one another, but there have been things each of us has not said, partly because we couldn't face them ourselves I guess. We met another guy, who I will call Jason. Les met Jason and really liked him, they clicked really well. I met him and clicked with him too. Now by this time, Les and I had discussed many poly issues and realized that we were both interested in trying close friendships, and even possibly relationships with other guys, separately. So Jason was someone Les was interested in for that. Since Jason and I hit it off so well, we realized that this would not be someone just for Les. The two of them had sex one day while I was at work. And amazingly enough, I was totally ok with that. I had told him I would be, but was a bit unsure deep down inside. Only one way to find out though, and I found out. A day or two after that, the three of us were together. We spent a lot of time with Jason and all of us were really getting along well. Too well. Jason has never really been in a relationship, so of course this whole thing would be intimidating to him. We told him to take things as slow as he needs. He's doing just that. Haven't seen him for 2 weeks now, and only chatted a small bit online. He admitted to us that he was scared a bit and needed to pull back. That is fine, because I would hate to have someone in a relationship they felt trapped in, never again will either of us let that happen.
So at this point in our lives, Les and I are both looking for someone to spend time with separate from one another. We are still VERY much in love, but right now there are things that we cannot give one another, both physically and emotionally. So we're working on meeting new friends. Les has met several guys online that he'd like to get to know, just a matter of actually meeting up and seeing how things go for him, I guess. I have met a couple of people as well. One guy in particular who I really like, and he likes me a lot too. It's scary for me on a few levels. For one, despite all the shit, I *did* fall in love with Mark, and was and on some level still am hurt by the breakup. And, it is always hard for me to get close to anyone, and a scary prospect. Now I have always been the type that falls hard and fast for guys, so I am really trying not to do that here... for now he is a good friend, and there's definitely a possibility of more happening, but I'm not pushing it at all. My new motto in life is "Come What May", and I'm working to stick to that.
I am happy right now. Have a lot of things running through my head, a lot of confused feelings and emotions, but overall I am very happy. At peace, you could say. I know there are things I cannot give Les, and that's ok. There are things (not only sex) that he can't give me right now as well. I will be very happy if he finds someone who can give him what he needs, and I believe he will be the same for me. Neither of us sees ourselves as being apart though. So we may find what we're looking for and for me, it would be like having my cake and eating it too! As long as the guy I find (if I even end up with anybody) can be as honest and open as I am and have been with Les, and is not the type to get into jealousy then all will be great! Hmm... what is it I'm looking for? Not sure, but I do know that I am wanting someone who is as hopelessly romantic as I am, and someone who will spoil me a bit, and allow himself to be spoiled as well. Taking things one day at a time, living life and just enjoying myself are priorities for me right now. I close on this, the 30th of June, 2002 with this statement: HERE I AM LIFE, TAKE ME AWAY!
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Copyright 2002 by Qpidboy